How I Came to Realize That I Am So Much More Awesome Than My High School Self

Stats:

• Word Count: 66,435
• Days until I know about vet school: 10 or less
• Number of cats bugging me right now: 1
• Lifetime Movie I am Watching: Mom at Sixteen

Due to a a variety of circumstances, I found myself forced to interact with high school students for several hours this weekend.  You could practically taste the awkwardness in the air around them.  Some of them (the boys) looked a little unwashed.  They were all perfectly nice, don’t get me wrong, but you would tell they all felt a little uncomfortable in their own skin.

I remember that.  I remember being like that.  I remember being paralyzed by fear: fear of humiliation, mostly, fear of being judged, fear of opening my mouth and shoving my foot down there.  That last one’s a genuine fear, as anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that my mouth and foot are very closely acquainted.  I was shy in high school, painfully shy is the expression, and it’s true.  I was so shy it hurt.  I remember stomach pains from the stress of talking, of risking everything by opening my mouth.

What I don’t remember is when that changed.  I mean, deep down I still am a little shy, I still have that horrible fear of judgment and embarrassment, but I’ve also figured out that 1) everyone worries about this stuff to some degree and 2) who gives a crap?

That’s right: WHO GIVES A CRAP?  Man, it was freeing the day I realized that the answer was NO ONE BUT YOU.

I still regress sometimes.  I still freak out over nothing, and play scenes that went wrong in mind over and over.  But I am so much better than I used to be.  And I don’t even know how that happened.  I guess that means people can change.  I think that’s a good thing.